“ Sadly enough, I did not really come to terms with what consent was until I began dating my current boyfriend. One night we began kissing and he stopped, looked at me, and said, “are you sure you want to do this?” I was honestly taken aback. Two seconds forever changed how I look at consent.
“ Jane Doe was dancing in at the former Rum Jungle bar in 2004 when someone reached up and pulled her tank top down, exposing her breasts to the “Girls Gone Wild” camera […] The woman sued Girls Gone Wild for $5 million in damages. After deliberating for just 90 minutes on Thursday, the St. Louis jury came back with a verdict in favor of the smut peddlers. Patrick O’Brien, the jury foreman, explained later to reporters that they figured if she was willing to dance in front of the photographer, she was probably cool with having her breasts on film. They said she gave implicit consent by being at the bar, and by participating in the filming - though she never signed a consent form, and she can be heard on camera saying “no, no” when asked to show her breasts.
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Jury Decides Consent is Not Required for GGW (Jezebel)
I literally cannot believe this case. She gave consent to be assaulted by being present?
There is something seriously wrong here.
(via i-am-the-lighthouse)
my thoughts on consent
On one hand, people seem to be aware in which the ways people express consent and non-consent. VS. These same people can misinterpret body language, and so continue pushing. For example—-If a girl says ‘No’ but then looks away, it means she’s flirting and really means ‘Yes, but I’m playing hard to get’
-Personally, I could be red in the face and laughing, but if I say no, I mean no. (Usually when I’m laughing, it’s at their audacity, and I have severe nervous reactions to attention that I don’t want, which leads to more laughing, and I’m sure some people could interpret my awkward behavior as flirtatious, and they couldn’t be farther from the truth.)
-I think it would be interesting to know, how many women actually in real life “play hard to get” or if this is just a myth and something in the media.
** All this ties into discussions about having the right to change your mind at anytime. Including couple, strangers, friends etc. As a culture we seem to have this all or nothing concept about sex. Once started you can’t back out for fear of being labeled… tease, frigid, no fun, aggravating
“
Your body is your property. No one has a right to enter unless you welcome them in. Think about the first home you hope to own. You wouldn’t want someone to throw a rock through the front window, would you? Is your body worth less than a house?
Think of it this way: Your body is not an introductory offer. It’s a return receipt. Your partner gives you love or at least respect and affection, and in return you give him part of you— and you decide which part.
—
Laura Sessions Stepp, “Unhooked” p 262.
(via adales)
A new documentary and the alleged rape of a homeless woman in New York both illustrate what happens when rape victims aren’t “perfect.”
In the New York case, the Post reports that 18-year-old Robert Gonzales is pleading not guilty to the attempted rape of a 23-year-old homeless woman in Central Park, on the grounds that she consented — and that she was drunk. His lawyer James Layton Koenig says, “The victim was intoxicated. Once the facts are laid out, nothing forcible will be proven.” The consent argument seems pretty specious given that Gonzales is accused of robbing the victim after he sodomized and attempted to rape her, but what’s really bizarre is the fact that Gonzales’s legal team is using drunkenness as an excuse.
“ It’s the ultimate expression of the dudebro culture, the rape culture, the kyriarchy, the idea that a woman can be so attractive that no man should be expected to, y’know, not force his unwanted attention on her. And it’s only a short step from there to can’t be expected not to force himself on her.
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Shakesville: Did Citibank Fire A Woman For Being “Too Attractive”?
“I couldn’t find a directly-applicable place at Citibank to which to direct messages, but did find their US contact page. Remember that generally in activism, letters are better than e-mails are better than phone calls.”
so i was going through the comments on this week’s postsecret, and there was a lot of discussion about one of the postcards about a girl who considered herself “semi-raped” because she didn’t say yes but couldn’t bring herself to say no. one girl’s comment was about how she went through a similar situation, but ended up saying that it was ultimately her fault because she needed to speak up. in response, someone wrote this, and i thought it was extremely well put and really important:
“When one person seeks to initiate intimate contact, including sex, with another the person initiating has an ethical (and in most places legal) responsibility to obtain consent from the person they are seeking to initiate intimacy with. Although it is natural for people in your position to feel guilty for not having spoken up for themselves, please understand that while it may feel that way it really wasn’t your responsibility to stand up for yourself, it was that particular guys responsibility to verify that you were comfortable with what was happening and his failing to do so was a violation of trust. When a person such as yourself blames herself for not having spoken up, and society chimes in an agrees, it puts the power in the hands of people who take advantage of the fact that they can prey on other peoples’ insecurities because “hey, if so and so didn’t say no how was I supposed to know he/she wasn’t into it?” Healthy, happy sex happens when both people are into it and responsible, ethical people verify that their partner is ready and willing before initiating intimate contact. One of my dearest hopes is that at some point society as a whole will recognize this and our culture will encourage clear consent and good communication and that some day people with experiences like yours will not feel shamed into blaming themselves for not speaking up.”
“ What this troll demonstrates is that those cultural markers—the circumstances that make rape A-OK for rape apologists—are arbitrary, and they can always be shifted to excuse more rapes. Even if the rape victim is a 15-year-old girl raped again and again on her own school campus during the homecoming dance, there is always something apologists can use against her. And even if all women everywhere cover up, stay sober, don’t go to parties, always wear pants, remain un-pierced and un-inked, don’t wear makeup, always wear flats, never leave the house without a man, and stop living our lives freely, the rape apologists will find a new set of criteria that will make us responsible for our rapes anyway. The shifting of blame will continue as long as rape continues. It’s not that rape apologists despise women who were stiletto heels. It’s that they despise women. That’s what needs to change. Not our shoes.
—
But Was She Wearing High Heels?(via ihatethismess)
(via longlostletters)
(via whereisyourline)
Affirmative Consent – A Way to Debunk the ‘Miscommunication’ Rape Myth?
These thoughts come as a result of a few different blog posts from this week that I got to read. First was at Yes Means Yes blog – an explanation of how there can be an affirmative consent standard in the legal system.Then I read The Sexist’s recap of a study showing that “Rape Isn’t One Big Misunderstanding”showing that some college men showed that they were well aware of the various ways women (and themselves!) show they won’t consent to sex. And finally, I read the heartbreaking, yet familiar (and triggering) account of a young student raped at Indiana University.
While the Indiana account was very familiar – an outline of a very common scenario of a survivor struggling with the aftermath of rape on campus, the first two posts highlight very different and relatively new conversations surrounding rape. The study referenced in The Sexist’s blog showed that male students, too, would try to use subtle cues (basically do anything but flatout say ‘no’) to tell someone else they did not want to have sex with them. They also admitted to being able to tell when a girl is in a situation where she does not want to have sex and quickly shuts down, but does not say no. Unfortunately, once the moderator brought up issues of sex the male students were quick to say that “no doesn’t always mean no,” but since ‘girls are being girls’ (as much as I wince to say that cliche) they must use clear physical AND verbal cues to show that they don’t want to consent. Even though when THEY don’t want to consent it’s okay for them to not be straightforward.
I’ve noticed that administrators like to use the excuse that it was just “a miscommunication” when a student files a rape complaint against a student…especially one that that particular person has worked with and likes the student in the past. Perhaps now that Thomas wrote that an affirmative consent model could have many benefits (including increasing the rates people are convicted of ‘acquaintance rape,’ which would foster an environment that would make it harder for rapists to thrive) more schools can follow suit. I think it could directly address the amount of times that rape apologists say “well they didn’t say ‘no’” or point to one’s clothing or behavior as an evidence of consent. If it is REQUIRED for both people to say YES – to show their consent – rather than placing the burden of a potential victim to say no by not only saying no verbally, but by wearing certain clothing, avoiding certain places, and not doing certain things, I think this miscommunication excuse can be diminished.
Clearly we have a long way to go because even when the student in the Indiana University story CLEARLY did not consent (she was sober, too) student commenters still felt like they should blame and shame her for getting raped – apparently screaming and physical resistance and saying “no” is not enough, even though the male students in the study said it would be.
The comments can be triggering for victim blaming, but I like what the most recent comment by musician1 said:
I think that the comments on this story should be deleted. Being a victim of a sexual assault I am deeply offended by the lack of tact and the hostile tone of many of these comments. Let me assure you, sexual assault is never a woman’s fault and this story gave silent voices a chance to be heard. How dare you judge women whom have gone through so much trauma and I am outraged by the deplorable comments on this thread. I ask the editor to please delete this comment and further the previous comments left by misinformed students.
And by this commenter bravely speaking out as a survivor and calling the victim blaming rape apologists “misinformed” I think that this highlights how education is so important. If students are properly educated, I think the environment would be a lot on college campuses for students who want to report rape.
x-posted at Change Happens
